The Notebooks of Lazarus Long Read online

  The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.

  Copulation is spiritual in essence—or it is merely friendly exercise. On second thought, strike out “merely.” Copulation is not “merely”—even when it is just a happy pastime for two strangers. But copulation at its spiritual best is so much more than physical coupling that it is different in kind as well as in degree.

  The saddest feature of homosexuality is not that it is “wrong” or “sinful” or even that it can’t lead to progeny—but that it is more difficult to reach through it this spiritual union. Not impossible—but the cards are stacked against it.

  But—most sorrowfully—many people never achieve spiritual sharing even with the help of male-female advantage; they are condemned to wander through life alone.

  Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

  The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

  Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors—and miss.

  The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con man.

  But it’s lovely work if you can stomach it.

  A whore should he judged by the same criteria as other professionals offering services for pay—such as dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers, etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she give good measure? Is she honest with her clients?

  It is possible that the percentage of honest and competent whores is higher than that of plumbers and much higher than that of lawyers. And enormously higher than that of professors.

  Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic; this doubles your effective lifetime—and thereby gives time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and rainbows.

  Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely!

  Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.

  Never try to outstubborn a cat.

  Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.

  Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

  Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.

  “Go to hell!” or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates.

  A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful—he just hadn’t noticed it at first.

  A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being “frank.”

  “All’s fair in love and war”—what a contemptible lie!

  Beware of the “Black Swan” fallacy. Deductive logic is tautological; there is no way to get a new truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as readily as true ones. If you fail to remember this, it can trip you— with perfect logic. The designers of the earliest computers called this the “Gigo Law,” i.e., “Garbage in, garbage out.”

  Inductive logic is much more difficult—but can produce new truths.

  A practical joker” deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.

  Natural laws have no pity.

  On the planet Tranquille around KM849 (G-O) lives a little animal known as a “knafn.” It is herbivorous and has no natural enemies and is easily approached and may be petted—sort of a six-legged puppy with scales. Stroking it is very pleasant; it wiggles its pleasure and broadcasts euphoria in some band that humans can detect. It’s worth the trip.

  Someday some bright boy will figure out how to record this broadcast, then some smart boy will see commercial angles—and not long after that it will be regulated and taxed.

  In the meantime I have faked that name and catalog number; it is several thousand light-years off in another direction. Selfish of me—

  Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.

  Take care of the cojones and the frijoles will take care of themselves. Try to have getaway money—but don’t be fanatic about it.

  If “everybody knows” such-and-such, then it ain’t so, by at least ten thousand to one.

  Political tags—such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth— are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. The former are idealists acting from highest motives for the greatest good of the greatest number. The latter are surly curmudgeons, suspicious and lacking in altruism. But they are more comfortable neighbors than the other sort.

  All cats are not gray after midnight. Endless variety—

  Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other “sins” are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful—just stupid.)

  Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance—

  It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women.

  You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.

  Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

  Don t store garlic near other victuals.

  Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

  Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament—it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can’t avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.

  Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.

  But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants “just a few minutes of your time, please—this won’t take long.” Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time—and squawk for more!

  So learn to say No—and to be rude about it when necessary.

  Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.

  (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.)

  A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

  Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.

  Certainly the game is rigged. Don’t let that stop you; if you don’t bet, you can’t win.

  There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?

  Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

  A generat
ion which ignores history has no past—and no future.

  A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

  History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.

  When the need arises—and it does—you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don’t farm it out—that doesn’t make it nicer, it makes it worse.

  Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

  Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.” He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

  You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once.

  When a place gets crowded enough to require ID’s, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

  A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamworld.

  Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can’t help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

  Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)

  The two highest achievements of the human mind are the twin concepts of “loyalty” and “duty.” Whenever these twin concepts fall into disrepute—get out of there fast! You may possibly save yourself, but it is too late to save that society. It is doomed.

  People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy a half slug who must tighten his belt.

  Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

  The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.

  If tempted by something that feels “altruistic,” examine your motives and root out that self-deception. Then, if you still want to do it, wallow in it!

  Everybody lies about sex.

  There is no such thing as “social gambling.” Either you are there to cut the other bloke’s heart out and eat it— or you’re a sucker. If you don’t like this choice—don’t gamble.

  Whenever women have insisted on absolute equality with men, they have invariably wound up with the dirty end of the stick. What they are and what they can do makes them superior to men, and their proper tactic is to demand special privileges, all the traffic will bear. They should never settle merely for equality. For women, “equality” is a disaster.

  Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.

  This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother’s side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.

  Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born and long before he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and no human ever ceases to need it. Keep your children short on pocket money—but long on hugs.

  The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: “Of course it is none of my business but—” is to place a period after the word “but.” Don’t use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.

  Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.